At my very first job, aged 18 I had a photograph on my desk of me and a group of my friends, taken at a recent birthday. There were probably about 10 of us in it, and it was one of those miraculous photos where everyone is looking at the camera, all eyes are open, and everyone is smiling. I loved it!
One day, I walked in to find a colleague studying it. When she noticed me, she said, “nice photo. Who are all these people”? I explained that this was a picture from my birthday and told her the name of the restaurant where the photo was taken. “How cute,” she said (rubber patronisingly actually). Before adding, “well, I see your disability doesn’t stop you from having friends. And none of them are disabled either, good on you.” I wanted to stick my pen up her nose. I mean, quite apart from the fact that you can’t always tell whether someone has a disability just by looking at them, what does disability have to do with having friends?
It’s true, being disabled can sometimes mean that socialising can be difficult. I often find myself unable to communicate at a restaurant or pub, because I just can’t hear what’s going on, and it’s a bit difficult to work the room, when you’re not sure what room you’re actually in. But there are lots of diverse ways to make connections.
Similarly, if my boyfriend Simon ever comes up in conversation, I am almost always asked “what disability does he have?”
Or the much more offensive “what’s wrong with him?” even before I am asked his name. Further, I have lost count of the number of times I have heard, “oh wow, he’s not disabled,” when someone sees Simon in a photo, or had someone mistake him for my carer. For the record, Simon and I met online. See, there are many different ways to meet people.
It’s paradoxical then, that for me as a disabled woman, having friends who are able-bodied is something I get props for. Meanwhile, those same friends are also being congratulated (totally unsolicited though), for being friends with me, but for an entirely different reason – “well done you for giving up your time to give her an outing”. It never happens with my disabled friends though. Go figure.
Actually, I have a very small group of friends these days, as I am rather picky about who I allow into my inner circle. It’s not that I think I’m Taylor Swift or anything, although there are certain perks associated with being my friend, ACROD parking anyone? It’s just that some people (non-disabled folks mostly) seem to be drawn to me purely because I am disabled, and it’s got nothing whatsoever to do with me at all. Something I find extremely off-putting.
Take for example the woman who I saw regularly, until she told me she loved our catch ups because, “you always make me feel better about myself by comparison”, before asking me to shout us both lunch, as a thanks to her for taking me out. Or, the person who essentially love bombed me for months, until the one afternoon when we ran into a mutual friend who was rather surprised to see me, as she had been given the impression that I was on death’s door and needed my privacy (no prizes for guessing where she got that from). So many other things came into greater focus after that.
These incidents may seem like nothing to someone who has never experienced them, indeed many people have told me “I should be grateful that anyone wants to do anything for/with me at all”. But to me, it’s just another example of how some people see me as less than, and that’s no fun. Except when people think I can’t tell, until I call them out on it. That’s hilarious! Rarely ever effective though, sadly.
And if yours is the argument, “I’m sure they’re just trying to be nice”, then I ask you, would you want to hang out with someone who takes the time to alert all and sundry that their friend is disabled (in case they get a shock when they see me), but forgets to check if the venue we’re all invited to is actually accessible?
As the late great Disability Activist, Stella Young put it “I’m not here for your inspiration, thank you very much!” Nor was I put on this earth to provide you an outlet to feel good about yourself. The beauty and wellness industry are clamouring to help you with that though, try them.
As for Simon, he never gets congratulated for being with me. He garners pity. Now yes, the poor fellow is punching way above his weight. But no, he is absolutely not a burden on me, and he’s certainly not holding me back. So please, give the guy a break!
Nina writes her own blog Inner Musings of a Funny Looking Kid (link to blog). She doesn’t receive any supports from Activ Foundation but has jumped on board with Activ to share her first-hand experiences of living with a disability and educate the public through her witty musings.
Look forward to quarterly catch-ups with Nina through Activ’s socials and website.